I am dying today

I am dying today (A Short Story) 

By Mehar-un-Nisa

I am having a feeling that I will die soon. I just took bath like it was my last in life. I rubbed soup all over my body and scratched dirt of my body just like I wanted to wash every tiny particle of dirt from my myself. It was a sign of cleaning my body from all the negativity that I have kept over there. As I saw the dirt draining down along with water from my body I started to feel clean. The state of feeling pure and clean has its own taste for a moment and the very next moment you end up questioning yourself; Can we even feel clean at all? With all the filthy thoughts accumulated in mind, having a heart filled with grudges, jealousy and hatred, how can I possibly tag myself as clean or pure? My mind and soul is filled with evil. How can I feel so pure and dirty simultaneously? Is there any word in dictionary which describes the state of my mind? Perhaps I do not need to know because I am going to die today. Besides, what is the point of knowing everything after all?

I am mentally ready to die today. I think life is as meaningless as it could be. I wouldn’t regret death if it caught me in the next second. Although I haven’t achieved much in life, I am not afraid of letting it go what I have in life. The thought of letting everything go in your life itself is very liberating. You gain control of the situations which aren’t in your control otherwise. I am leaving the grip on the matters I tried to control or manipulate once. Ironically I am taking control over the life by leaving it. I can feel the adrenaline rush for having the thought only. Imagine the power I will enjoy at the moment of death.

I often fail to comprehend why people mourn on death of mortals? Should it not be a celebration of getting rid of the shackles of existence. What is the significance of having a body or any form on earth? Why having an existence means something to mankind? Aren’t we mere masses of flesh and blood running in our veins? Why cannot we just realize that the last breath leaving our body put an end to the suffering of our soul and the struggle of finding a purpose in the chaos of life. Why finding the simple answers of such questions is so hard for many of us?

Why do I even need to bother on such thoughts as I am dying today….

Dated:  July 20, 2020


Picture of Mehar-un-Nisa, the author of the short story



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